


Dark Alleys of the Past

by Kate04



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-04
Updated: 2014-04-04
Packaged: 2018-01-18 03:38:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,638
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1413682
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kate04/pseuds/Kate04
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Another shore leave goes wrong and triggers some painful memories.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dark Alleys of the Past

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: Voyager and its characters are owned by CBS Studios Inc., but the idea is mine - or rather Corinna's in this case.
> 
> Author's note: This one was written for littlejaneway (VAMB's Spring Fling 2009).
> 
> This story deals with violence of a sexual nature. If this subject offends you, stay away, please.
> 
> A big *hug* and 'thank you* to CoriMariee for the idea and her wonderful beta services and also for listening to my whining all day/night long. I don't know what I'd do without you, hun! Another 'thank you' to JoAryn for her help and support.

> _"As memory may be a paradise from which we cannot be driven,_
> 
> _it may also be a hell from which we cannot escape."_
> 
>   
>  -John Lancaster Spalding, Aphorisms and Reflections
> 
>  

Chakotay had spent the entire evening trying to convince her to join him for shore leave and, although she had been very willing to spend the time with him, she had let him talk, enjoying the sound of his voice and watching his hands move gracefully as they emphasised his words. There were many other things she wanted these hands to do and she found her thoughts drifting along roads she hadn’t thought existed anymore and over bridges she had considered burnt years ago.

When, after letting him go on and on about the importance of taking a break for almost twenty minutes, she simply said yes, it took him a few moments to process her answer.

‘You wanted to go with me all along, didn’t you?’ His broad grin showed off the dimples she loved so much. She smiled back at him innocently.

‘I have to warn you, though. B’Elanna told me that there are a lot of wonderful shops on Brocadora and I had planned to finally buy some new clothes.’ She fully expected him to object or to at least roll his eyes at the prospect of shopping with her. Instead, she was treated to one of his devastatingly beautiful dimpled smiles.

‘Kathryn, you’re going to spend rations on yourself? I’m shocked!’

‘I know, it’s unusual, but I’m sick of my wardrobe. I need something new and after B’Elanna showed me what she found down there…’ She shrugged, a crooked grin gracing her features.

Chakotay shook his head in disbelief, a mischievous twinkle in his eyes.

****************

Late the next morning, they met in the transporter room, both wearing comfortable civilian clothes and eager to explore the paradise that awaited them. Kathryn was still surprised that Chakotay had agreed to go shopping with her. After all, shopping wasn’t exactly something many men did willingly.

‘Good morning, Chakotay. Are you ready for the day ahead?’ She was in a cheerful mood and, having left the captain in her quarters, she was really looking forward to spend some quality time with her dear friend.

‘Good morning, Kathryn. I’m as ready as I’ll ever be for a day of shopping.’ His eyes twinkled as he reached out his hand towards her. They stepped onto the transporter platform and nodded at the crewman on duty to beam them down to the planet.

****************

They spent several hours in the beautiful capital of Brocadora, walking through shop after shop. Kathryn was amazed at her escort’s patience as she tried on one dress after the other.

She was glad he had come along. His opinion mattered a great deal to her and he was never afraid to tell her when some dress or another didn’t look good on her. Before she knew it, it was time for lunch and, with several new dresses bought, the couple found a quiet little restaurant and shared their meal, chatting about the planet, what they had seen and what they still wanted to do as they ate.

When they waited for their dessert to arrive, Kathryn caught Chakotay staring at her, a strange, faraway look on his face. She felt her cheeks grow hot as his eyes wandered over her body and for a moment she regretted having put on this rather revealing dress. However, she was quick to remind herself of the promise she had made to the reflection in her mirror this morning. She would be Kathryn today and would see what happened. She had to admit that it felt good to be looked at like that and she vowed to enjoy every moment of it. Her lips curled up in a soft smile and she placed a hand on his arm where it rested on the table.

At her touch, Chakotay seemed to shake himself out of his thoughts, the love and open adoration that had been visible in his gaze only moments ago vanishing and he opened his mouth to say something, but was interrupted by the waitress with their dessert.

Kathryn pulled her hand back reluctantly, picking up her spoon as they both dug into their sweet treats, the silence between them crackling with a tension that was not entirely uncomfortable.

‘You know, this dress exposes an awful lot of your skin to the sun,’ he started, breaking the quiet. ‘I know you’re enjoying the feeling, but you’ll be red as a lobster long before we return to the ship and it might get a little cold later when the sun is gone. Maybe we can find some kind of wrap or something for you to wear.’

A throaty laugh escaped her as she slowly pulled her spoon out of her mouth, waving it in the air between them.

‘I can’t believe you aren’t sick of shopping by now. Not even my sister has that much patience. You’re amazing, you know?’

He captured her free hand with his, his thumb caressing her soft skin.

‘It’s good to see you this relaxed and happy. I love spending time with you, Kathryn. It doesn’t matter one bit what we do as long as we do it together.’

Their eyes locked and the air between them sizzled, her hand tingling where he touched it.   
For a few breathless seconds Kathryn thought she would drown in the endless depth of his brown orbs, but this was not the place. She blinked slowly, breaking the connection as she squeezed his hands.

‘I’m glad.’ Her reply was simple but his relaxed smile told her that he had understood the deeper meaning.

She lowered her eyes again, focusing on the fruity, ice-cream-like substance in her bowl and taking another spoonful of the delicious dessert into her mouth. She could not keep her gaze away from him for long, though, studying him from under lowered lashes, fascinated by his luscious lips as they closed around the bite of cake he was putting in his mouth. He caught her staring and, with a devilish smile on his lips, reached across the table, another piece of cake between his fingers.

She opened her mouth, her lips capturing his fingers along with the sweet dessert, and her tongue briefly twirling around the tips, before he pulled his hand back slowly. His eyes darkened with desire and Kathryn felt the warmth of arousal spreading through her body. Without looking away, she dug her spoon into her bowl and then held it out to him, offering him a taste.

As the spoon rested on his lower lip, he gently took hold of her wrist, thoroughly cleaning the spoon with his lips and tongue, before he released her again.

They both knew that their relationship had reached a new level, but instead of being eager to explore all the aspects this new level opened to them, they were content to take their time, enjoying the slow build-up of tension, secure in the knowledge that, once back on board the ship tonight, they would have ample opportunity for exploration.

****************

After lunch, they had decided to take a walk in the central gardens, enjoying the heavy fragrance of a multitude of flowers and the shade the large trees offered. He had her hand securely clasped in his as they wandered along the small path, marveling at the sight before them. Most Brocadorans spent this hot time of the day indoors, either working or resting, which made this the perfect time to spend in the gardens, because they were less crowded than in the morning or evening.

They found a secluded bench overlooking a large pond and settled down. Chakotay wrapped his arm around her shoulders, drawing her close to him and she snuggled into his warm body, her head resting on his chest. They sat like that for a long time, hands gently caressing each other, neither feeling the need to talk.

 Only when the sun had moved its shadow away from their comfortable place and the heat got too much did they rise from the bench. One of Chakotay’s hands rested on her hip as he gazed down at her. The other hand gently brushed over the exposed skin of her shoulders.

‘Let’s go find something to put around your shoulders now, shall we? I’d hate to see this beautiful skin of yours burn.’

Once again she found her gaze drawn to his handsome face, her mind unwilling to focus on his words.

‘Sure,’ she replied, without really knowing what she had just given her consent to.

He took her hand in his and turned to go, only to be stopped when Kathryn remained still. He looked at her surprised, a questioning eyebrow raised.

‘Chakotay, I…’ Suddenly she wasn’t sure what she wanted to say. She stared at him for a moment, before she took a step closer and, moving her hand to the back of his head, drew him down to her, her lips capturing his in a tentative kiss. 

His arms moved around her, pulling her into his chest as he returned the kiss. It was a lazy, wet tangling of tongues, a gentle exploration of each other, but before they could get carried away by their passion, they broke the kiss, slowly drawing away from each other.

Kathryn closed her eyes briefly, already missing the soft warmth of his lips on hers. Her entire body hummed with arousal and she knew that she was more than ready for more, but she enjoyed this almost painfully slow pace too much.

Her eyes still closed, she touched her fingers to her tingling lips, smiling happily.

‘Shall we go?’ Chakotay drew her out of her reverie and, taking his hand again, she strolled with him along the endless paths towards the shopping district.

****************

Stepping out of the store, Kathryn once again felt the pleasant burn of the alien sun on her bare shoulders as she turned around towards the voice of her first officer.

‘Why don’t you go ahead to the market and start looking for a nice place to have dinner? I’ll only be a minute.’ The twinkle in his eyes and his secretive smile told her that he was planning something and she could barely contain her curiosity.

She had her suspicions as to what he was up to. Only minutes ago, he’d seemed captivated by the multitude of colourful wraps while she had looked at the shoes on display.

Of course, Kathryn would never let him know that she suspected anything and spoil his surprise for her.

‘All right. Don’t get into any trouble.’ She raised a meaningful eyebrow before she turned around and walked out into the street.

On her way to the market, Kathryn looked at all the beautiful houses which lined the long shopping street. Every window was accented with planter boxes filled with colourful flowers, giving the street a cheerful appearance. Just as the rest of the city, it lifted her spirits.   
An old Brocadoran couple walked out of a shop and almost bumped into Kathryn. The woman placed a hand on Kathryn’s arm as she tried to regain her balance and apologised for their carelessness. The couple smiled at her happily and wished her a wonderful day and an enjoyable stay on Brocadora before they went on.  
Once again, Kathryn thought how lucky they were to have come across these friendly people. It didn’t happen often and she planned to enjoy their hospitality.

The air was fresh and filled with the distant sound of music and a cacophony of voices. A gently breeze played over her heated skin and carried with it the smell of exotic food and foreign spices. Her stomach grumbled and her mouth watered in anticipation. The prospect of another meal of fresh food that had not undergone any Talaxian ‘improvement’ made her smile. It would be the perfect end to this wonderful and rather successful day.

 She was still carrying the bags from her earlier shopping with Chakotay and they were beginning to get heavy, but she didn’t mind. She was more then happy with her purchases. Her free hand smoothed over her new sky-blue, knee-length cotton dress. When she had found it at the last store, she had not been able to resist putting it on right away. The thin straps and the low neckline exposed even more  of her sensitive skin to the sun than the dress she had worn before, which was a lot more than the doctor would approve of, as Chakotay had pointed out earlier, but she didn’t care. For once, Kathryn wanted to enjoy herself without worrying about what she should or should not do.

At the end of the street, Kathryn could see the busy market place and, wanting to find a suitable restaurant before Chakotay joined her, she quickened her steps.

****************

Her only warning was a sudden movement in the shadows of a narrow street beside her, but it was too late for her to react. A large hand covered her mouth, stifling her surprised scream. The other hand pressed a knife against her throat and a harsh, male voice commanded her to be silent.

Strong arms pulled her against a large body and forced her to follow it into the dark alley from which her assailant had come. Kathryn threw a glance in the direction she knew Chakotay would come from, hoping that he would already be on his way to meet her, but there was no one there. She was on her own.

Her shopping bags lay in the street, forgotten, as the man dragged her down the alley until they came across a large trash container. Kathryn analyzed the situation, trying to calculate her chances of escape. As long as the knife was pressed against her throat though, she had to bide her time.

She tried to relieve some of the blade’s pressure against her skin, both hands gripping his arm, but she was unsuccessful.

Her chance to fight back came when the alien threw her face first against a rough stone wall. She felt her skin break upon impact and blood oozed from the wound on her forehead, running down her face at an alarming speed.

Shaking off the dizziness that was closing in on her, Kathryn let her elbow fly backwards, hoping to catch her assailant off guard.

He grunted as her elbow connected with his side, knocking the air out of his lungs. His hold on her loosened for a short moment and it was all the time Kathryn needed to push herself away from the wall and turn around, ready to throw another punch.

The man recovered faster than she had anticipated, though and before she had a chance to land another punch, he had her trapped against the wall again, one arm pressing against her throat hard enough to choke her, the back of her head throbbing where it had hit the wall.

‘Quiet, woman!’ His voice was harsh and his fetid breath warm against her face. His piercing blue eyes traveled slowly over her body, making her feel a lot more exposed than she actually was. A bluish tongue darted out to moisten equally bluish lips as his gaze lingered on her scantly covered breasts.

‘We’re going to have a lot of fun and if you stop struggling, you just might live to tell about it.’ To emphasise his words, his arm pressed against her even harder for a moment, before he gave her some room to breathe.

He let the knife dance over the delicate skin of her neck and shoulders, let it slide down over the swell of her breasts and into the valley between them until the soft fabric of her dress stopped its wandering.

Kathryn dared not breathe.  The pointed blade dug into her flesh painfully, yet not hard enough to break the skin and her blood ran cold at the malevolent smile that slowly distorted his already menacing countenance.

She gasped, surprised at the sudden movement of the blade as it cut through and down the thin layer of cotton. She watched as he drank in her nudity, her silken panties the only protection she had left.

‘I like your colouring. So very exotic. So easy to mark.’ His lips moved against her ear, the rasping of his uneven breath and the thudding of her own rapidly beating heart struggling for supremacy.

In the back of her mind Kathryn realised that she had to act soon or it would be too late to escape, but she found her body unresponsive to her own commands. Panic held her in its deathly grip, delivering her to his merciless hands.

The man used the knife to trace patterns on the skin of her breasts which held no meaning for her, seemingly fascinated by the angry red lines he created.   
He smiled at her menacingly, his eyes holding hers when, suddenly, he increased the pressure of the blade on her skin. She felt her skin yield, the pressure easing as the blade sunk into her flesh and pain exploded through her.

Her anguished cry was silenced as his mouth descended on hers, thin lips pressing on unyielding ones in a punishing kiss, his tongue invading her mouth.

As Kathryn struggled against the strong man, his sickly grey face was replaced by the familiar, almost dear features of someone long forgotten. The overly long, gnarly hands on her breasts turned into smaller, softer ones, but the touch was just as rough and unwanted.

The familiar sound of her first officer’s distant voice brought Kathryn back into the present, but she was unable to shake off the ghosts of her past completely.

She did, however, manage to shout his name, before she was silenced by a hard slap across her face, which left her dazed, making room again for the ghosts to haunt her.

Cold fingers tore at the fabric that still protected her sex from him until it yielded to their force. He ignored her whimpered protests as he forced his way into her soft, unprepared folds, bruising the delicate tissue.

Faces, hands, voices and smells from present and past merged before her eyes and all she knew was pain.

Suddenly, he was gone and she had to grab hold of the trash container next to her to keep her legs from giving out from under her. For a moment, Kathryn was disoriented, unable to remember what had just happened. Gradually, she became aware of her surroundings again, her first sensation the sound of flesh hitting flesh and the pained grunts of two men fighting.

Her vision cleared and she recognised Chakotay, his back turned towards her as he trapped the alien against the brick wall on the other side of the small alley, repeatedly punching him in the face with his free hand.

At first it seemed as if the struggle was over, her assailant too badly injured to fight back, but then he seemed to muster his last bit of strength, shoving Chakotay away from him.

Taken completely unaware, her first officer stumbled backwards and, tripping over a metal pipe, he fell and hit his head on the hard ground.

It was the sickening sound of breaking bone that made the blood freeze in her veins, keeping her immobilised against the wall, only a few feet away from him.

And then she was no longer in the dark, littered alley, but in a brightly lit, clean Starfleet vessel. The acoustics were different, but the sound of a fist connecting with a cheekbone is the same everywhere. Her stomach heaved at the image of two men locked in a deadly embrace. One moment the flailing arms were grey and tanned, the other they were both pale like her own, one minute they were rolling on the dirty concrete, the next on a spotless carpet, one moment she was shivering from the cold, the next she was sweating.

Blackness slowly closed in on her vision and the roaring of her own blood drowned out everything else.

Through the haze of memory and the approaching blackness of unconsciousness, however, Kathryn saw the sun reflect off the shining blade. Panic gripped her once again, breaking the raging waves of her emotions. 

 

Without conscious thought, she threw herself at the tangle of heaving limbs on the ground and, grabbing the heavy metal pipe Chakotay had stumbled over earlier, she let blow after violent blow connect with the aliens back.

In the back of her mind, she registered Chakotay’s rapid movement as he rolled out from under the collapsing man and she also realised that there was no need for her to continue beating him, but she had lost control over her own actions, her body being taken over by blind rage.  

The Brocadoran was not only paying for his own sins but also for those of another man in another quadrant and another lifetime.

Strong hands seized her body from behind, pulling her off the inert form of her assailant and against a warm, solid body and her rage, which found endless nourishment in her terror, was redirected at the man behind her. Kathryn tried to free herself of the unrelenting grip, kicking, thrashing and screaming hysterically until she had no strength left and collapsed in his arms, sweet oblivion finally claiming her.

****************

Kathryn did not drift towards consciousness gradually, but jerked awake, her body instantly prepared to fight. Her eyes were wide with fright, hastily sweeping the room, analysing her situation. Seconds later,   gentle hands touched her shoulder and the friendly voice of Voyager’s EMH calmed her.

‘Captain, please take it easy. You’re back on Voyager. You’re safe now.’

She stared at him for a long moment before she yielded to the insistent pressure of his hand and lay back down. Kathryn then briefly closed her eyes to collect her thoughts and get her wildly beating heart under control before she spoke.

‘What happened, Doctor? How did I get here? The last thing I remember… Chakotay? Is he all right?’ Panic gripped her once again as images of him lying on the ground came back to her.

‘I’m okay, Kathryn.’ His soft words came from the other side of the biobed and, her head whirling around, she looked into his dear face.

‘The Commander had a concussion and several cuts and bruises, but nothing more serious than he frequently does to himself on the holodeck.’

There was an admonishing undertone in the Doctor’s voice, but neither Kathryn nor Chakotay commented on it. Kathryn’s attention was focused on the warm hand that clasped hers tightly, giving and drawing comfort at the same time.

‘Do you remember what happened on the planet, Captain?’ the Doctor inquired, concern audible in his tone.

She felt uncomfortable as two sets of eyes were fixed on her.

‘I’m not sure. It is all a little hazy, but I think I do remember part of what happened.’ Kathryn was able to keep her voice steady. ‘I remember being grabbed from behind and dragged into the alley.’ There was a momentary pause as she struggled with the memories, trying to decide how much she wanted to tell them. They probably knew most of the details, anyway. She looked at Chakotay.

‘You were there. There was a fight. You fell. The next thing I knew, I was waking up here.’ Her gaze shifted from Chakotay to the Doctor, uncertainty clearly written on her features.

‘You didn’t suffer any permanent physical damage. You had a concussion and a nasty cut on your forehead and…’ The doctor paused, unsure of how he should approach the subject of her other injuries. He briefly glanced in Chakotay’s direction, his eyes asking if she wanted more privacy for this part of the conversation.

Before Kathryn had a chance to make a decision, Chakotay gently squeezed her hand.

‘I’ll be in my quarters, Kathryn. If you want to talk or just don’t feel like being alone, I’ll be there, okay?’ She nodded and gave him a grateful smile.

When they were alone, the hologram continued his account of her injuries.

‘The concussion may cause some short term memory loss, but I’m confident that it will not be permanent. You had some minor cuts covering your neck and chest and,’ he drew a deep breath, ‘there was some bruising and damaged skin from penetration, which I managed to repair completely. You may experience some discomfort for another day or two, though.’

When he didn’t add anything, Kathryn nodded distractedly, her mind already focused on getting out of there, getting away from the hologram’s compassionate gaze.

As if he sensed her thoughts, the Doctor continued, the usual lecturing undertone absent from his voice. ‘You may return to your quarters now, if you wish, but I want you to rest.’

She nodded absentmindedly as she slowly sat up and slid off the biobed. The Doctor hovered close by to make sure that she was all right until they reached the sickbay doors.

‘Are you going to be all right, Captain, or should I get someone to escort you to your quarters?’

‘I’ll be fine. Thank you, Doctor.’ Kathryn stepped out into the corridor and walked home, hoping not to meet anyone on her way. The last thing she needed now was to have to make small talk with a concerned crew member.

As she stepped off the turbolift on her deck, she threw a weary glance at Chakotay’s quarters. He would want to talk to her about what had happened on the planet, but Kathryn hoped that he would give her a few days to come to terms with it first.

Entering her own quarters, she heaved a sigh of relief as the doors shut behind her and went straight to the bathroom, shedding her clothes along the way.

‘Computer, fill the bathtub. Usual settings.’

Lowering herself into the almost painfully hot water, Kathryn grabbed the wash cloth and began to viciously scrub her body, trying to rid herself of the lingering feeling of the alien’s hands. Only when the water was cold and her skin red and raw did Kathryn climb out of the tub. She then wrapped herself in a large towel, not bothering to dry her skin.  
From the corner of her eye she caught her reflection in the bathroom mirror. Against her better judgement, she turned her head and regarded her reflection with a critical eye. The newly regenerated skin was still pink where the Doctor had healed cuts, showing her exactly where she had been injured.

She took a step closer to the sink, staring in horrified fascination at the spider web of thin pink lines on her chest, the sight bringing back the sensation of the pointed tip of the knife on her skin.

Closing her eyes against the images which threatened to invade her mind, Kathryn turned away from her reflection and left the bathroom. She let the towel slide to the floor in front of her closet as she searched for the comfortable cotton pyjamas her sister had given her many years ago. Her other, more feminine night clothes were not what she needed right now. The last thing she wanted was to feel sexy. The mere thought sent shivers down her spine and let the sensation of violating hands resurface.

Shaking the images from her mind, Kathryn slipped on the pyjamas and crawled into her bed, curling into a tight ball under the covers. Her body was tired, but her mind would not rest, would not let the foul smell of the alien and his abusive words go. She could still feel his hands on her body, his brutal exploration of her most private places.

For the first time since her return to Voyager, Kathryn let the tears flow freely. At first they slid down her cheeks silently as she remembered the wonderful day she had had, the feelings for Chakotay she had finally allowed herself to explore, the happiness and contentment she had experienced only a few hours ago. It was all gone now.  It had taken her twenty years to get to this point with a man and this afternoon had changed everything.

Sobs shook her body as she recalled the horror of being assaulted, the paralysing fear of watching Chakotay fight with the alien, and those breathless seconds when she’d thought he would be killed.

Eventually, the weariness of her body won out over her reeling thoughts and she finally fell asleep, her face still wet with tears.

_Her skin crawled. Little snakes everywhere. On her arms, her legs, her breasts. Not snakes. Hands. A scream. Shouting. Fighting. The glint of metal in the sunlight. Panic. Pain resonating through her arm. Metal on skin. Bones shattering. Another scream._

Kathryn sat up, drenched in sweat, her throat raw form screaming. Breathing rapidly, she closed her eyes against the lingering images of her nightmare only to open them immediately as the intensity of the images increased behind her closed lids.

Her stomach heaved suddenly, causing her to jump out of bed and run into the bathroom. She was violently sick until only dry retching could be heard. Still, she could not stop as her body unsuccessfully tried to expel the horror of the day.

After long moments, her stomach finally calmed down and Kathryn rose to her feet and rinsed her mouth, avoiding the reflection of her haunted eyes. She then splashed some cold water on her face and, bracing her hands on the sides of the sink, Kathryn watched as it dripped from her skin to join the swirling water on its way down the drain.

Could as well be her dreams of a happy life with Chakotay being washed away, she thought bitterly, before she turned off the water and walked back into her bedroom, face still wet.

Looking at the bed with its rumpled sheets and promises of more nightmares, Kathryn decided to get dressed and take a walk.

She restlessly wandered along the corridors, avoiding the busy areas of the ship. Whenever she came across a crew member, she absentmindedly nodded in response to their greetings. Her crew was used to her nightly tours of the ship and didn’t seem to think anything of it.

After an hour of aimlessly walking, she found herself in the deserted messhall. Not bothering to turn on the lights, she replicated a cup of coffee and stood at the viewport to contemplate the blackness of space. The passing stars had a hypnotic effect and calmed her jumbled emotions.

For a long while her mind was blessedly empty as she sipped the hot, bitter liquid. Then the memories came again, one thought repeating itself in her head over and over.

_I almost killed him. I almost killed him._

Refusing to let the tears bring her relief, Kathryn clung to the pain of suppressed emotions, accepting it as her punishment. The violation of the rape she could have lived with. The pain of being assaulted she could have accepted. What ate at her soul was the knowledge that once again she had endangered someone she loved through her own helplessness. This time she had been lucky, but it had been too close.

After finishing her second cup of coffee, Kathryn decided that since she wouldn’t get any sleep, anyway, she might as well get some work done. She spent the rest of the night and the entire next day in her ready room, reading and writing reports to keep herself busy.

The next two nights and days passed in the same way, she never slept more than an hour before waking up from her own screams.

Whenever Chakotay came into her ready room to deliver a report, he looked at her with a mixture of concern and disappointment and she sensed that it would not be long before he or the Doctor would say something.

 

****************

The morning of the third day found her behind her desk again long before the start of alpha shift. She almost didn’t notice the nausea and headache anymore that had been her constant companion for the last days and nights. She shifted through a stack of PADDs, hoping to find some work to keep her mind busy.

The moment Chakotay stepped through her doors only minutes after shift change, Kathryn knew that this was it. His posture and the determined look on his face told her that he had had enough.

Her expression did not betray her thoughts, however, when she put aside the PADD she had been studying to face him.

‘Commander, what can I do for you?’

“We need to talk.’ He stood at parade rest in front of her desk, his eyes locking onto hers.

She barely suppressed her sigh as his words confirmed her suspicion. For the moment ignorance seemed like the best approach.

‘About?’

‘About the fact that you have been ignoring the Doctor’s orders for the last few days. I convinced him that you needed time to come to terms with what happened to you and that we should give you some space. It hasn’t seemed to work, though.’ His voice was firm.

‘I have no idea what you’re talking about, Commander.’ Kathryn’s tone held a definite warning and had it been anyone else it would no doubt have worked, but Chakotay didn’t even flinch.

‘You don’t sleep and if you do, you have nightmares, you wander around the ship all night and spend your days in here trying to work. When was the last time you ate anything, Kathryn?’

His question shook her and she had to think about the answer.

‘I don’t know.’ She knew that Chakotay wouldn’t like the truth, but he would also be able to see through any lie.

‘You need help, Kathryn. Locking yourself in here and keeping everyone at arms length won’t help you through this.’

Although Kathryn had been prepared for this conversation, she could not suppress her anger at his insistence. It was mostly directed at herself for not hiding the effects of her ordeal better, but his interference was a welcome chance to vent some of her frustrations.

‘Commander, I am able to deal with this situation on my own and I will. I don’t need your help and if I do in the future, I will ask for it. Now, if that’s all, you’re dismissed.’

She had been able to keep her voice low during her statement, although her displeasure had been evident in her expression and tone, but when he didn’t leave at her dismissal and opened his mouth to object, her voice finally rose as she jumped up from her chair.

‘Get out!’

Suddenly, she felt hot, her blood roared in her ears and her head hurt as if it would split. The edges of her vision darkened and, staggering, Kathryn blindly reached out for her desk, but missed. Her legs gave out and she fell, her last thought before losing consciousness was that the floor wasn’t as hard as she had expected.

 

When she woke only moments later, Kathryn  found herself staring into a sea of dark brown, and she realised Chakotay must have caught her before she’d hit the floor. He studied her for a long moment, one of his hands soothingly stroking her hair until she started to move then his hold changed to a firm grip, preventing her from getting up as he reached for his comm. badge.

‘Chakotay to Sickbay. Medical emergency in the captain’s ready room.’

Before she could open her mouth to protest, the Doctor materialised next to them.

****************

Her wanderings had again led her to the dark and empty messhall and, after replicating a cup of coffee, she stood at the viewport, once more gazing at the passing stars.  
   
Kathryn knew that she should follow the Doctor’s orders, stricter now that she’d fainted, and get some sleep, but it continued to elude her. After three further days without so much as an hour of uninterrupted sleep, her grasp on sanity was slipping and with nothing to focus her mind on, but disturbing images and painful memories, the already precarious control she had on her emotions was slowly eroding.

Tonight had been particularly bad, memories invading her mind only minutes after she had fallen asleep.

 

The sound of the opening door startled her and her first impulse was to hastily retreat through the second exit. The desire unsettled her. It was not like her to be frightened like this, on her own ship no less.

Before the doors closed, Chakotay’s gentle voice sounded through the room.

‘Kathryn? May I come in?’

Of course, there was no need for him to ask, as the messhall was a public area, but she appreciated his thoughtfulness.

‘Sure.’

Only after she had replied did he step into the room, allowing the doors to drift shut behind him. The room was once again shrouded in complete darkness and she sensed, rather then saw his movements in the kitchen as she once again directed her empty stare at the passing specks of light.

Suddenly, there was movement behind her and she saw a face reflected in the transparent aluminium. Intense, deep-blue eyes hungrily stared at her, drinking in her silk-clad form. She knew he would not be gentle tonight. He rarely was, and the way he gazed at her told her that it would be worse tonight.

Usually, she would just do what he asked of her and hope it would be over quickly. He never lasted long when he was rough.

Today, however, she did not want to be taken, could not bear the thought of his harsh touch. Today, she wanted to feel loved. She wanted him to enfold her in his strong arms and kiss her gently, the way he’d done at the beginning of their relationship. She wanted him to make love to her, but he rarely did that anymore.

She saw him come closer and she felt trapped. A strange sense of claustrophobia gripped her and her wide, fearful eyes locked onto the reflection of his, begging him to leave her alone. When his hand descended upon her shoulder, something inside her snapped. She would not let him do this to her anymore. No one would ever touch her without her consent again. She whirled around, breaking free of his hold on her left shoulder, her right hand flying at him, meeting his cheek with a satisfying slap, which was almost drowned out by her outraged screams.

‘Let go of me. I’ve had enough of this. I don’t want you to touch me ever again.’

Her fists beat against his chest repeatedly while she screamed insults at him. For a moment he did not react at all. Then he grabbed her arms, trying to keep her from hitting him. He spoke to her, but she did not understand his words. The struggle seemed to go on forever, but he would not let her go. Instead he drew her against his body, her arms trapped between them as he hugged her to him.

Her screams became pleas, which turned into whimpers.

‘’Please let me go,” were her soft words before she started to sob into his shirt uncontrollably.

She expected to feel his rage at her outburst, expected to be hit, but when all she felt were the strong arms around her and his lips moving against her hair, the panic began to recede and very slowly she became aware of her surroundings again.

The first thing she noticed was his smell, which somehow did not bring with it memories of pain, but made her feel safe. Then she realised that the words, which were spoken into her hair, were not abusing, and the voice with which they were uttered was not the harsh and accusing one of the man whose reflection she had just seen in the window. Instead she heard the gentle, soothing tones of her first officer and gradually, she relaxed against him, feeling safe with the knowledge that the ghost from her past could not hurt her anymore, nor could the one from the planet. Even after her tears had stopped falling, Kathryn kept her head on his chest, drawing comfort from his reassuring presence.

 

After a long silence, the soothing patterns his hands drew on her back slowed and then ceased as he gently pushed her away from him just far enough to look into her eyes.

‘Let’s go some place more private. We are going to talk about this.’ His tone left no room for argument and Kathryn had no energy left to protest, anyway.

He led her to her quarters, his warm hand never losing contact with her back. He waited patiently until she opened the door before he guided her to the couch. Sinking into the soft cushions, she watched as Chakotay ordered two cups of tea from the replicator before he joined her, sitting close enough to offer comfort but not too close. He handed her one cup and sat back, studying her over the rim of his own cup.

Kathryn knew that he wouldn’t say anything. He was content to wait for her to talk when she was ready and she was thankful for his patience. Still not sure if she wanted to talk about what troubled her, she focused on the amber liquid in her cup, inhaling its spicy scent.

How much should she tell him and where should she begin? She trusted Chakotay with her life and she knew that she could trust him with this, too. It had all been so long ago, though and although the memories had begun to resurface, Kathryn was reluctant to drag them all out again. But maybe it was time to examine the past and finally let it go completely.

Taking a deep breath, Kathryn turned sideways, her body facing Chakotay. Her arm stretched along the backrest of her couch and she tugged her feet close to her body, hugging her knees with her other arm. Unable to look at Chakotay, she turned her head towards the viewport and stared at the soothing blackness of space.

Curled into herself like this, she let her mind drift back in time, carefully unlocking the door to those painful memories.

‘Do you remember what I told you about my first fiancé?’ Her voice was rough with the suppressed emotions.

‘Justin,’ he stated simply, his tone encouraging her to go on.

‘You know that he saved me from the Cardassians.’

At his nod she continued. ‘I was so grateful for what he had done, for the risk he had taken to get me out of there. Before, I hadn’t thought much of him. He had been cold and abrasive towards me both on a professional and personal level.

‘After he rescued me and Admiral Paris told me about Justin’s past experience with the Cardassians, I made the effort to get to know him. He was intelligent and passionate and I fell for him faster than I thought possible. For a long time I had thought of myself as rather undesirable, because no man ever looked at me. Not that I would have let them, anyway, but…

‘Justin was the first man in a long time who really wanted me and I think that made me blind to the signs. I should have seen it, but I didn’t.

‘Our first time was up against a console in the shuttle bay after I returned from an away mission. It was fast, rough and painful, and not at all what I had imagined. I chided myself for being ungrateful because I was disappointed. There was this man who wanted me enough to risk a formal reprimand by taking me then and there and I was disappointed because it wasn’t the romantic seduction I’d had in mind.’

Kathryn stopped speaking and for a long moment there was silence, as she sipped her tea and contemplated the view on the other side of her viewport. She felt his gentle eyes on her, comforting her, giving her the courage to continue, but still not intruding into her thoughts. Taking a deep breath, she began again

‘I hoped that the next time would be different, but it wasn’t. Every now and then I was able to seduce him into slow lovemaking, but it didn’t work often. He liked it rough and he didn’t really care that I did not. I guess he knew that I had issues with my self-esteem when it came to men, because he kept reminding me how lucky I was that he even bothered to be with me. Of course he never said it like that. I mean, I wasn’t stupid. I’d never have let him talk to me like that. He showed me through his actions and cleverly disguised the words behind compliments. By the time he proposed to me, he had me captured in his web of sweet-talking and well-hidden insults.’

Kathryn finally looked at Chakotay, her eyes begging him to understand.

‘I know it sounds pathetic and, looking back now, I can’t understand how I got so lost in him that I didn’t see him for what he was, but it’s what happened. I accepted his proposal, deliriously happy that he loved and wanted me.

‘Don’t get me wrong; it wasn’t entirely bad. I think he actually did love me and I certainly loved him. We had a wonderful time together, exploring space, discussing political issues, just talking about inconsequential things. We were good together outside the bedroom and I had learned to accept his preference for rough and sometimes even violent sex. Just doing what he told me to do made it easier and for a while I actually thought I could be happy with him.’

She paused again, draining the last of her tea, before she stared out of the viewport again. She felt his hands on hers, gently taking the cup out of her vice-like grip. He left her to her thoughts as he stood and refilled their cups. Handing her the steaming mug, he sat back down next to her.

‘What changed?’ he prompted, sensing that she did not know how to go on.

Kathryn had trouble allowing the memories in her conscious mind, fearing that they would overwhelm her and drag her back to that time long ago.

‘There was less and less gentleness in our relationship and as the time passed he expected me to do more and more things I didn’t feel comfortable with. At first he sweet-talked me into doing what he wanted. Later he made me feel guilty, leaving me no other choice but to do as he said. I started to have second thoughts about marrying him, but everyone kept saying how good we were together and how lucky I was to have a man like him. I stayed and I let him own my body and I almost lost myself.

She felt the irresistible pull of the past and clung to the back of her couch in order to keep herself in the present. She watched in fascination as her knuckles turned white, but her link to the present grew weaker every second.

****************

The shuttle was bigger than she had thought. Kathryn looked around the small quarters she and Justin would share during the two day trip.  Despite the bigger size of the craft though, the bed was rather small and she knew the walls lacked the sound-proofing other Starfleet vessels had. The thought made Kathryn uncomfortable. Her father would be sleeping right next to them and the flight deck was not far away. She hoped that Justin would leave her alone tonight, because there was no way she would let him fuck her the way he had lately with her father being able to hear them..

Kathryn dropped her bag onto the bed and made her way to where her father and Justin were busy with the pre-launch check. She walked up behind the two men and put one hand on each man’s shoulder, looking at the readouts in front of them.

Her father turned his head and smiled lovingly at her.

‘We’re cleared for departure. Take your station, Ensign.’

‘Aye, Sir,’ she answered, enjoying the opportunity to spend time with him. Maybe this trip wasn’t such a bad idea after all.

They cleared the docking bay and took off towards the Tau Ceti system, where they would conduct a series of tests with the sturdy little vessel.

For a few hours they took the Terra Nova through her paces, jumping to warp, then going back to impulse and flying a few manoeuvres with thrusters, before jumping to warp again.

 

‘Okay, I think we have done everything we can out here. It’ll take us another seven hours to reach the Tau Ceti system. Why don’t you two go and get some rest? I’ll mind the store and call you once we’re there.’ Her father smiled at them knowingly and Justin rose from his chair. Kathryn wanted to protest, fearing what Justin might have in mind, but her father gave her a stern look, anticipating her objections, even though he couldn’t know the reason behind them.

‘Kathryn, I need you two to be at your best when we run those tests. There’s no room for error. Go and rest. That’s an order, Ensign!’

She nodded and followed her fiancé to their private room, where, to her relief, Justin was too tired to think about anything but sleeping. Changing into their night clothes, they climbed into the narrow cot and fell asleep in each other’s arms. For the first time in months, Kathryn felt comfortable with him.

Four hours later, Kathryn woke, feeling rested. She climbed out of the bed, careful not to wake Justin, and changed back into her uniform. deciding to go take the conn and  give her father a chance to sleep.

She was busy pinning up her hair when she saw his reflection in the mirror, his eyes dark with desire as he grabbed her around the waist, pulling her against him. She felt his solid length pressed against her buttocks as his hands roughly squeezed her breasts through the layers of her uniform.

‘Justin, please. This really isn’t the place or time. I want to relieve daddy at the helm now. Go back to sleep.’ She tried to twist out of his arms, but he wouldn’t let her go. He opened her uniform jacket and pulled the shirt out of her trousers, his hands finding the skin underneath.

‘Oh come on, Kathryn. Don’t be such a prude. It bothers you that your father might hear us, doesn’t it?’ He opened her bra and twisted her nipples between his fingers until she moaned in pain.

‘Let me go. Please. You’re hurting me.’ She knew that he didn’t care and she knew that he wouldn’t let her go, but she had to try.

‘Are you afraid that your father might find out what a little slut his Goldenbird is?’ His hands retreated from their place under her shirt and in the next moment, Kathryn was spun around and slammed into the wall next to the sink. She hit her head on the tiles, tears blurring her vision.

Justin had her trapped between his body and the wall, his hands pawing at her tender mounds again and one solid thigh rubbing between her legs.

 

‘I’ll fuck your tight little pussy right here against the wall until you scream. And then I’ll shove my cock up your ass. When I’m done with you, you’ll be going out there and you’ll sit next to your father with my cum still dripping out of you.’

To prove his point, Justin started to fumble with her trousers, the zipper resisting his frantic tugging. Kathryn knew that it was a dangerous idea to fight back but the picture he had just painted made her nauseous and she couldn’t take the thought of his hands on her body again.

Using the chance his struggle with her zipper presented, Kathryn jerked her knee up between his legs. She didn’t kick him as hard as she had intended, her aim slightly off, but his startled reaction gave her enough room to get away from him and out of the small bathroom.

She felt him right behind her as she ran out into the corridor, just making it through the door into the aft compartment of the vessel’s flight deck before he caught up with her. With only one door separating them from the cockpit where her father was, Kathryn was certain that he would leave her alone.

What she hadn’t taken into consideration, however, was his rage. When he reached her, he grabbed her arm with one hand and whirled her around to face him using the other to slap her cheek, leaving her dazed and stumbling against a console.

Clearing her head, she regained her balance, and spun around, eyes blazing and one hand on her burning cheek. When she spoke, her voice was dangerously low, anger dripping off her every word.

‘How dare you lay your hands on me like that?’

Justin did not seem to be intimidated by Kathryn’s fury. He took a few steps towards her, forcing her back against the console and grabbing the front of her uniform, he twisted the material until it cut into her skin in several places. He forced her to bend backwards, allowing his body to press against hers. His face was now right in front of hers and she felt his moist breath on her skin, his voice just as low as her own had been.

‘You refused me. No woman has ever done that and no woman ever will. Certainly not such a thin little bitch like you. I’ll take you whenever and wherever I please, do you understand me?’

Then his lips were on hers, taking her mouth in a punishing kiss. For a desperate few seconds, Kathryn thought she had no other choice but to let him take her, but her stubborn streak would not allow Justin or anyone else to rule over her body. Thinking of and discarding several options in her head, she finally gave in to his kiss, her hands rising up to his cheeks, caressing his soft skin.

Kathryn could feel his self-satisfied smile against her lips and had to swallow hard not to slap it off his face. Instead, she gently stroked her thumbs over his eyebrows several times, before she suddenly pressed them into his eyes as hard as she could.

He screamed in pain and jumped back from her, his hands covering his eyes as he yelled at her, calling her a whore and threatening to kill her.

Eyeing the door to the shuttle’s cockpit behind Justin, Kathryn wearily sneaked past him, afraid that he might  let go of his eyes soon enough to catch her.

Just as she felt safe enough to heave a sigh of relief at getting past him, he grabbed her from behind, his arm going around her, pressing against her throat. Surprised, she screamed and attempted to break free of his hold, seriously fearing for her life now. Before she could stop herself, she heard her own voice calling for her father’s help, something she had not done for many years.

‘Let me go! You have no right to treat me like this, you son of a bitch!’ A detached part of her mind noticed the hysteric tone of her voice and started to calculate the chances she had of surviving this, before it was distracted as Kathryn’s hips crashed into a table. The arm around her throat was removed, but before she had a chance to use her newly won freedom, Justin pressed against her from behind, trapping her between him and the table. He used his hand to force her to bend over the table until her cheek lay on the smooth surface.

‘I have every right to treat you whatever way I want to. I’ll show you what I do with little sluts like you.’

His words were almost inaudible over the pounding of her heart and her laboured breath and she tried to block out the feeling of his hands on her – without much success.

He grabbed the waistband of her trousers and ripped them apart. Kathryn grunted in pain as the tough material cut into her skin before the zipper finally broke. She expected him to yank her trousers and panties down, but in the next instant, the pressure of his body against hers was suddenly gone.

She turned around just in time to see her father punch Justin in the face, sending him sprawling to the deck, before he went down after him, pinning the younger man to the floor and letting punch after punch connect with his face.

Never had Kathryn seen her father like that, fighting with his bare hands, his features contorted in anger. Unable to move, she watched in shock as her father and fiancé fought violently. Justin, being much younger and in far better shape, had managed to roll Edward Janeway off of him and was now straddling him. All Kathryn saw was a tangle of arms and legs and her fear for her father’s life grew with each sickening sound of fist hitting flesh.

Breathing became more and more difficult and the noise of her own blood rushing through her veins drowned out most of the other sounds in the room, until she felt trapped inside her own body, unable to move, unable to help her father. Her vision started to blur and she felt nauseous. In the back of her mind, she knew that she had to do something, but the pull of unconsciousness was almost too strong to resist.

****************

The gentle touch of a warm hand on her arm startled her and Kathryn could barely suppress a surprised scream. Her breathing rapid and her heart pounding wildly, she looked into the concerned eyes of her first officer. For a short moment, she closed her eyes in an attempt to get her emotions under control again, feeling the cool air of her quarters on her skin, drying the thin film of sweat.

‘Kathryn? Are you okay?’ His soft voice stood in stark contrast to the yelling she had just remembered so vividly and his gentle touch grounded and calmed her slowly, but her voice still shook when she answered him.

‘I… Yes, I think I am now. Talking about it … it came all back. The images, the hurt, the anger, the … the guilt.’ She took a shuddering breath and stared at the stars again.

‘What did you feel guilty about, Kathryn?’ His voice was soothing and his hand never left her arm.

‘When Daddy came to help me the shuttle was still in flight. He must have jumped up from the pilot seat without a second thought when he heard me scream for him. I don’t remember much about what happened. They were fighting and it looked like Justin had the upper hand. I was so scared and shocked, I couldn’t move for several seconds. Then I ran past them to retrieve a phaser from the cockpit. There was a loud noise. At first I didn’t know what it was, like something breaking apart.’   
Kathryn shivered.

‘When the doors to the cockpit opened, I saw ice. The ship was headed directly for the planet and it was already caught in the gravitational field. Alerts were blaring from every panel and I wondered why I hadn’t noticed them before.

‘I tried. I really did, but it was too late. I couldn’t get the ship under control again. It started to spin and the noise I couldn’t place grew louder and then I realised that the shuttle must be breaking apart. In the aft section, Dad and Justin were still fighting, but I knew that in a few seconds it wouldn’t matter anymore. There was nothing I could do but sit and watch as the frozen ground came closer and closer. Then I must have lost consciousness.’

For a long moment both she and Chakotay were silent, thinking their own thoughts. Kathryn realised that the fear of what had just happened, of the memories coming back to her as powerfully as she had just experienced them, was the reason why she had never talked about what she had been though before. That and the guilt, which had been her constant companion all these years.

‘I killed them, Chakotay.’ Her simple statement was full of sadness. Tears welled up in her eyes and she blinked them away.

Chakotay placed both hands on her upper arms and forced her to face him. He fixed her with a piercing stare, his eyes searching hers for something.

‘You don’t really mean that. Do you?’

Kathryn didn’t reply, but she was unable to stop the tears.

‘Oh Kathryn, how can you believe that it was your fault?’ She saw sadness and concern in his eyes and suddenly she needed to make him understand, to see her for who she really was.

‘You don’t understand. If I hadn’t called for him, the accident would never have happened. He left the controls because he wanted to help me. I was the reason the shuttle crashed. I killed him. If I had been able to deal with the situation on my own, he would still be alive.

‘When I was rescued, everyone believed the accident was caused by solar winds or an asteroid. There had been a problem with some stresses to the hull during the simulations and no one really questioned the reason behind the crash. Since the wreckage could not be salvaged, there was no way to find out anyway.

‘Of course they questioned me, but at first I didn’t remember much. Later, when the memories came back, I couldn’t talk about it. How could I have faced my mother and sister if they had known that I’d killed Daddy? They would never have forgiven me, just as I can never forgave myself.’

‘You’ve been carrying this burden around with you all these years? How did you cope without crumbling under the weight?’ She detected disbelief in his voice, pain and concern written all over his face.

‘At first I thought I would, but then I learned to push the pain away far enough to function. As the years went by it got easier, but the guilt never went away completely. I learned to keep my distance from the people around me, to not develop deeper feelings for anyone again and above all else to never need anyone’s help.’

‘What about Mark? You were engaged to him.’

‘Mark was safe. He was an old friend long before the accident. I was comfortable with him and all he had been looking for was a companion, someone to talk to, to share with. I could give him that and he never asked for more. I don’t know why he wanted to marry me, but I didn’t question his motives. I genuinely liked him and I think I would have been happy to spend the rest of my life with him.’

Chakotay stared at her for several seconds and she saw him processing her words.

‘Many things are starting to make sense now. All those times you endangered yourself to keep others safe, the self-imposed isolation from the crew it all makes sense now.’

Kathryn could tell that he was shocked by what she had revealed and she started to regret telling him. After today, he would know her far better than he already did and it would be even more difficult for her to do what she had to do, now that he would undoubtedly watch her more closely.

‘Kathryn, you can’t go on like this. You need help. You need to learn to let go of the past, to let people in. You need to learn to love and need again. You can’t spend the rest of your life avoiding these things. It’s what makes us human. I know this has worked for you so far, but it will destroy you in the end.’

His voice shook with the intensity of his emotions and he squeezed her hand between his, as though willing her to listen to him.

She stared into his eyes, captivated by the concern and love she saw there. For a short moment she allowed herself to be drawn into them, before she pulled away and withdrew behind the safety of her captains mask once again.

 

‘I did learn to love again and I allowed myself to need someone. I almost got him killed, too.’ Her voice was a whisper and she half hoped that he didn’t hear the words.

‘Don’t you see, Chakotay? I can’t allow myself to feel these things. It always ends in pain and I can’t take any more of that. I just can’t.’ She closed her eyes against the desperation in his gaze and flinched slightly as his hand gently caressed her cheek.

‘People die, Kathryn, and nothing you feel or don’t feel can change that. I know how hard it is to open up again after you’ve lost someone you loved, but you have to do it at some point or you’ll die, too. Do you think your father would have wanted you to stop living your life, to stop feeling? Do you think he would want you to blame yourself for his death? What do you think would have happened if you hadn’t called for him? If he hadn’t come to help you?’ He paused, his intense gaze seeming to search her soul for the answer.

‘I don’t know. Maybe… maybe I’d be dead. I’ll never know.’

‘How do you think your father would have felt if you had died in that room? What do you think that would have done to him; knowing that his daughter was killed only a few feet away from him and that he could have saved her if only he had known? He would never have wanted to live with that knowledge and neither would I.’ He caressed her cheek again, letting his words sink in for a moment.

‘When we first met seven years ago, I was in many ways like you are now. After losing my family, I didn’t let anyone or anything close to me, fearing that I might get hurt again. I only felt anger and guilt at not being killed with them. You taught me to move past that anger and to accept that I am alive. You taught me to love again. I would like to help you do the same.’

His words touched something inside her, but some part of her still refused to let go of the past.

‘Why? Why do you still care after what happened on the planet? I almost…’ His fingers on her lips stopped her words.

‘What happened down there wasn’t your fault, Kathryn. You didn’t choose to be the victim of this man and I could never blame you for getting hurt while trying to help you.

‘I want you to live again. I want you to understand that there is so much more to love than loss and pain. There are so many things you need to rediscover and I want to help you with that. I want to be there for you in whatever capacity you are ready to accept me. Please let me help you, Kathryn.’

 

Kathryn was overwhelmed by the depth of emotion in his tone and she was aware of the carefully concealed confession. Her first impulse was to push him away again, to decline his kind offer and refuse herself the comfort of his love and his friendship. She would survive as she had before and he would move on eventually, putting his hurt feelings behind him.

Her thoughts must have shown on her face, because his hands tightened around hers, his eyes pleading.

‘Please don’t pull away.’

Kathryn closed her eyes, trying to bring order into the jumble of emotions. The panic of losing control over her carefully monitored feelings was warring with her longing for closeness and the feelings of happiness and love that had started to develop before the incident on Brocadora and for a few breathless seconds she thought panic would win, but in the end, she could not hurt him.

He had reached out to her and had offered to help her. The least she could do was to acknowledge the gift he had given her and try her best to return it.

Opening her eyes, she untangled her right hand from his grasp and raised it between them in a gesture she hoped he would recognise. Slowly, he relaxed his stance and mirrored her movement, entwining their fingers.

‘Help me, please. I want to learn to love again. I want to love you without feeling guilty. Please help me to let go.’

With those words, Kathryn felt her control slip away and the thought of being vulnerable scared her, but she was no longer alone. Chakotay was with her and he would be strong for her when she felt weak. Tears ran down her cheeks as years and years of guilt and pain seeped out of her. Chakotay drew her into his arms and let her grieve for her father and for all the lost years, his soft words of love almost lost in her hair.

She was aware that the past would never completely release its hold on her, but there in his strong arms, Kathryn was for the first time in many years confident that she would truly move on.


End file.
